01/29/25
Mood: thoughtful
I made this three years ago and never shared or did anything with it because I wanted it to be the Perfect Retro Website (TM). But we ain’t got time for that so I’m posting this and seeing what happens. Plus I’m inspired by Linn’s posts and I want to be cool, too.
It has been about a month since I moved back home to the US after finishing my PhD. Out of the six times I’ve moved my entire life between the US and Canada in the past seven years, this has been the easiest. It turns out that not having a large amount of trauma associated with the transition (2021? COVID. 2022? COVID redux, worse depression. 2023? Kicked out of the country. 2024? Car and rental insanity) makes it much easier to deal with emotionally. TIL. I’m also profoundly lucky to be financially supported by close friends and family, which takes the pressure off me to find a job right away. I’m very grateful for this because I was so sick for the past several years (more than that, but the last several years were the worst) that I couldn’t do anything to enjoy my life. Now I am playing GAMES and ICE SKATING and taking NAPS. and you know what I fucking deserve it.
(I should actually be studying for my defense, because I’m not a doctor yet. For those not familiar with academese, the defense is where you give an hour lecture on your research and then a committee of old white men grill you for two hours on everything you wrote in your thesis. In theory it’s meant to be a formality because your supervisor isn’t supposed to let you defend unless they think you’re ready. But actually I have secretly managed to fool everyone. But wait… if I’m good enough at fooling everyone to have conned my way into a PhD defense, then surely I can fool them into passing me? Hmm. Much to ponder.
Anyway, the point of this story is that I don’t think I’ll be motivated to prepare until I have a date for my defense, which I do NOT yet, because the admin I have to do to schedule it is absolute hell. It’s not even that onerous, tbh, but I hate admin on a good day, and if it’s admin related to fooling everyone that I deserve a PhD, that’s a bit too much anxiety on the pile (think a manure pile, but worse). I sent three whole emails today and hated every second of it. And there’s probably more tomorrow!!!)
Since moving home I kind of expected to find a video game to pour my entire soul into to decompress after all the PhD stuff. But it turns out I haven’t really been playing that much. I accidentally got hyperfixated on ice skating instead. It turns out that my YEARS of seeing doctors and getting blood tests and trying different medications actually kind of fixed me, because now I can exercise every day and like. not crash the day after??? Insane I know. I’ve literally never been like this. I have uncovered New Knowledge about Fav which is that I like?? Going outside?? And doing stuff??
However, I wouldn’t say I’m talented at ice skating. Every time I learn a new skill in group beginner classes I’m the worst in the room at it (my thoughts usually run along the lines of “what the Actual Fuck” as I awkwardly stumble across the room, meanwhile everyone else is like what’s wrong with this girl). But you know what! My determination is unmatched. My jobless leftistness is also unmatched. Therefore you know fucking what. When I come back the next class I’m usually one of the best at it.*
*This excludes stopping. I do not understand how to stop.
I will be back soon (hopefully, but I can’t pressure myself cuz then I’ll never be back). I’ll probably ramble more about ice skating. But also going to see Linn and Enzy soon so I’m sure there will be many adventures to yell about. (I’m gonna make Linn climb rocks with me and also look for a HOUSE).
