Fav's Bedroom

Welcome to my new bedroom nestled in the trees of the Pacific Northwest!

The past six weeks have been a whole Situation. I really went “wow this transition is so easy” in January and then everything went to shit. Meanwhile, my defense is in three weeks and GUESS WHO HASN’T REVIEWED A SINGLE THING.

The TL;DR is that I got unexpectedly broken up with, kicked out of the house I was staying in, and my parent’s house is not physically safe for me (noise), so the big move I was supposed to make in mid-April got moved to early March. I have a lot of emotional hang-ups about Home because I’ve never really had one that ticked all the boxes—it’s basically either physically safe or emotionally safe, not both, and in houses where it’s only been the former, “emotionally safe” was often in a different fucking country. Which has led to many, usually last minute, usually very expensive cross-country/international trips in my life. Really breeds a feeling that I don’t really belong somewhere, I have to say.

I’ve been planning to move in with Linn and Enzy for a while now, cuz they live in a part of the country that I’ve always wanted to move back to since I did my undergrad. So I knew it would be emotionally safe, but, well, if you’ve ever been to Linn and Enzy’s house—it is LOUD lmao.

The house I lived in in Texas was as much of a home as I’ve ever found (and it was still kind of crappy). So, to (1) get kicked out of it unexpectedly, (2) right before my PhD defense, (3) where the best subsequent action was to haul my entire life 2,000 miles to a house that I didn’t know would be safe for me, was nothing short of insane. ALSO, because it was so last minute, our only option for the road trip was to work around Linn’s work schedule, which resulted in driving 1,000 of those miles in one day. Truly what the fuck. Basically I was fucking terrified and crying in the hotel every night of the trip (and most of the nights before that). It did not help that I got kicked out of my house in the first place partially due to a disagreement about noise, and that I had to leave my parent’s house before that because of noise. And because of disabilities etc, if Linn and Enzy’s house were bad for me because of noise, it would have been really hard for me to move to my own place and just pick up some random-ass job to support myself. And I SURE WASN’T about to haul my entire life back to Texas if it didn’t work out here.

BUT GUESS WHAT!!!!

I’M IN MY ROOM ON THE GROUND FLOOR AND I CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS ON THE THIRD FLOOR. No barking, no shouting, no TV or music, no doors opening or closing (all things that have driven be insane in other houses). And the neighbourhood is super quiet as well. Which means that I can rest whenever I need to for any reason. And I haven’t had that in several years :’) I cannot express how relieved I am.

Linn has been making fun of me because when they first did the viewing I was extremely meh about it. It’s kind of an outdated house and has carpet everywhere (bad for fav allergies). But it didn’t have any of our other dealbreakers that all these other houses had, so we just went with it. And I didn’t connect the dots until now that carpet is an extremely good sound insulator (the only noise-safe house I lived in during my PhD, out of like five houses, also had three floors + was fully carpeted). SO FUCK. IT TURNS OUT THE CARPET HOUSE IS MY FRIEND.

And if I’m really sad. All I have to do is drag Linn and Snowy into my bed and then everything will be okay again. :)

I made this three years ago and never shared or did anything with it because I wanted it to be the Perfect Retro Website (TM). But we ain’t got time for that so I’m posting this and seeing what happens. Plus I’m inspired by Linn’s posts and I want to be cool, too.

It has been about a month since I moved back home to the US after finishing my PhD. Out of the six times I’ve moved my entire life between the US and Canada in the past seven years, this has been the easiest. It turns out that not having a large amount of trauma associated with the transition (2021? COVID. 2022? COVID redux, worse depression. 2023? Kicked out of the country. 2024? Car and rental insanity) makes it much easier to deal with emotionally. TIL. I’m also profoundly lucky to be financially supported by close friends and family, which takes the pressure off me to find a job right away. I’m very grateful for this because I was so sick for the past several years (more than that, but the last several years were the worst) that I couldn’t do anything to enjoy my life. Now I am playing GAMES and ICE SKATING and taking NAPS. and you know what I fucking deserve it.

(I should actually be studying for my defense, because I’m not a doctor yet. For those not familiar with academese, the defense is where you give an hour lecture on your research and then a committee of old white men grill you for two hours on everything you wrote in your thesis. In theory it’s meant to be a formality because your supervisor isn’t supposed to let you defend unless they think you’re ready. But actually I have secretly managed to fool everyone. But wait… if I’m good enough at fooling everyone to have conned my way into a PhD defense, then surely I can fool them into passing me? Hmm. Much to ponder.

Anyway, the point of this story is that I don’t think I’ll be motivated to prepare until I have a date for my defense, which I do NOT yet, because the admin I have to do to schedule it is absolute hell. It’s not even that onerous, tbh, but I hate admin on a good day, and if it’s admin related to fooling everyone that I deserve a PhD, that’s a bit too much anxiety on the pile (think a manure pile, but worse). I sent three whole emails today and hated every second of it. And there’s probably more tomorrow!!!)

Since moving home I kind of expected to find a video game to pour my entire soul into to decompress after all the PhD stuff. But it turns out I haven’t really been playing that much. I accidentally got hyperfixated on ice skating instead. It turns out that my YEARS of seeing doctors and getting blood tests and trying different medications actually kind of fixed me, because now I can exercise every day and like. not crash the day after??? Insane I know. I’ve literally never been like this. I have uncovered New Knowledge about Fav which is that I like?? Going outside?? And doing stuff??

However, I wouldn’t say I’m talented at ice skating. Every time I learn a new skill in group beginner classes I’m the worst in the room at it (my thoughts usually run along the lines of “what the Actual Fuck” as I awkwardly stumble across the room, meanwhile everyone else is like what’s wrong with this girl). But you know what! My determination is unmatched. My jobless leftistness is also unmatched. Therefore you know fucking what. When I come back the next class I’m usually one of the best at it.*

*This excludes stopping. I do not understand how to stop.

I will be back soon (hopefully, but I can’t pressure myself cuz then I’ll never be back). I’ll probably ramble more about ice skating. But also going to see Linn and Enzy soon so I’m sure there will be many adventures to yell about. (I’m gonna make Linn climb rocks with me and also look for a HOUSE).